It's been a long time...

So it's been way too long since I've written. I'm pretty bad about starting something and then not following through with it so here I am, trying to do a better job journaling about where I am at.

I was struck at my biblestudy with the thought that if you don't set goals, you'll never know if you have achieved them...so here are some of my goals for the next year - 2013:

1. I want to be able to run 5 miles at least four to five times a week.
2. I want to feel better about myself each day.
3. I want to be able to cross my legs.
4. I want to bel able to get by on less sleep.
5. I want to be consistent.
6. I want to seize the day, not keep waiting for the tomorrow's.
7. I want to be able to walk into a dressing room and try on an outfit that doesn't have "X" in the size.
8. I want to be able to bite my tongue when I am around my family.
9. I want to have consistent quiet time with God.
10. I want to be able to wear sleeveless shirts without having flabby arms.
11. I want to be able to go up numerous flights of stairs without being out of breath.
12. I want to learn to like eating healthy foods because my body feels so much better when I do.
13. I want to be able to stand in front of a room of people and not feel self-consciense.
14. I want to become more modern/edgy in my wardrobe choice.
15. I want to be able to wear mini-skirts again.
16. I want to be able to cut my hair really short because my weight isn't an issue anymore.
17. I want to be able to wear cut belts.
18. I want to have a defined waste, not a thick middle section.
19. I want to be able to listen to my friends and family and not be judgmental.
20. I want to be able to meet Matt's co-workers without feeling embarrassed about how big I am.
21. I want to find a way to serve/volunteer in the city of Westerville.
22. I want to run a 1/2 marathon by the time I'm 40 year young!
23. I want to be known as athletic and active.
24. I want to wear leather.
25. I want to continue finding out who I really am with my crafty side.

I think that is a good start. I need goals to shoot for, if not, it seems like the year flies by and I'm still at the same place I was last year. I want to change but I spend more time complaining about it then actually doing it. I want to be at a different spot next year at the holidays then I am this year.

Up where I belong

So I was told about a story of Hannah Hurnard's Hinds' Feet in High Places and it talkes about this fawn called "Much-Afraid" and how she overcomes her fears to go to the High Places with the Shepherd. The Shepherd tells her that in order to go to the High Places, she has to climb by herself but he will be close beside her. She begs him to carry her and he says that he could carry her all the way up, but if he did, she would never be able to develop her hinds' feet and become his companion wherever he goes. Even though it will be dificult this time, he assures her that it will help her develop hinds' feet.

After she decides to make this climb, the Shepherd tells her that he is giving her two companions for the journey...Sorrow and Suffering! "Why must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions? Couldn't you give me Joy and Peace?...I never thought you would do this to me." The Shepherd's response is "Will you trust me?"

Ahh...that is the point I am at. Do I trust Him enough to endure the pain and suffering it will take to break bad habits? I think of Hebrews 12:11, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

I don't want to go through life without God and I don't want Him to go to the higher places without me. I want to make that journey. I want to be used by Him to help others make that journey. I have the feeling it will be a long road but I feel like I have hope for the first time in a long time.

Where I am currently at...

So last week I was boycotting God! Sounds ridiculous, huh? He has been poking me, speaking to me through His word, friends, family and I decided to just quit listening and try things for a bit on my own. I don't think this was a conscience decision but it happened.

I was miserable!

So I was back in my quiet time this am and this is what I stumbled across - boy, is He speaking to me!!!!

I'm in the section of my biblestudy called "Wilderness Love". The basis for it is Song of Songs 2, where the lover is asking his beloved to go higher up the mountain with him but she is content where she is at because she is afraid of what it might involve to "go higher". I know that God has been calling me but I'm scared of the changes that He will ask of me. Do I really like food THAT much that it would break my heart to give it up for God? When you say it like that, it sounds kind of ridiculous! But I know the change will be painful for me. Starting new habits is so hard and my discipline has been a joke.

One of the things that struck me this morning is that when I refuse to respond to God, He is going to find me and "begin to bring pain into your life, for pain is God's megaphone, says C.S. Lewis. He begins gently and if I don't respond, He increases the pressure. Well I've been noticing him talking to me for quite some time and I keep ignoring....I have to believe that is why He has allowed me to be so miserable with myself. He loves me so much and He wants me to be His, without any idols and so He is trying to get my attention through pain.

At this point, I know I need to respond to Him but I lack the confidence in myself. I WANT to serve Him completely and get rid of the hold that Satan has over me with food, but I doubt myself.

So that's when I come back full circle and realize that I can't do it on my own. I need His help and the help of those closest to me. That's why I have drug you guys on this journey with me! :) Because I would be lost without you all.

Too many thoughts, all jumbled and random....

After an outing with a dear friend, I am convinced that I know things in my head I just don't feel them in my heart. I know God loves me. I just can't wrap my brain around that. I think all of my life I have had people that were supposed to love me that have let me down, abused me, degraded me or abandoned me when I needed them the most. I just assume that God will do the same thing. He'll get sick of me and my problems and just wash his hands of me.

When I married Matt 8 years ago, he was the one person that I thought I could count on. I made sure he was safe, reliable and I thought he would protect me, take care of me, and never hurt me intentionally. I think somewhere along the way I forgot that he was human, he makes mistakes and he's going to let me down. When he made his first mistake and broke my heart, I just expected him to continue to do it. He did it twice after that so he proved me right. Somewhere in my head I just think that there is no hope...everyone will always bail on me or hurt me. I'm not worth loving and working through the hard times with. He's worked so hard to change (and I believe he has) but I still question his faithfulness, his committment. I guess I keep thinking that God is going to take the best thing in my life away from me - my family. It's like I expect God to come in and take great joy in hurting me, in crushing my dreams.

I know this is NOT TRUTH! I know this isn't who God is. I'm trying to get that across to my heart.

This week in my study, "Falling in Love with Jesus", I came across several things that struck me.

- Romans 1:18-23 I'm not treating God like he is God. I'm chosing to believe the things of this world, and not believing in who He is and His truth.

- So often I think that if God is really God, he would just fix me. He would stop my eating obsession and just make me okay. I put food as an idol and I expect him to deliver me from it, but I don't do my part.

- God wants what is best for me. He wants me to let go of my idol and worship him. The good gifts he gives us (family, friends, sex, food, careers, etc.) all are meant to be enjoyed, but not worshipped. When I worship them, He will bring pain into my life. Why? Because He loves me!!!! He allows me to feel the painful consequences of my misplaced "worship".

- Luke 14:25-35 I can't be Jesus' disciple if I'm hanging on to worldly things.

- God loves me and I'm the object of HIS affection.

Sometimes I get really angry at what my dad did to me because I feel like it changed how I view people and life. That's not an excuse and I'm not going to allow him to destroy my future. I just need to reprogram my mental thinking. I am worthy of loving, I am important...I think if I say that enough, maybe I'll start believing it :)

I'm so thankful that I am surrounded by a few close friends that will speak "truth" to me when I need to hear it. They have stood by me, loved me and continue to stand there supporting me even when I'm not making much progress. I know this is another form of God showing me his love, showing me that he is providing for me. God has shown me kindness, gentleness, love and grace. Now I need to show myself some love and grace! (Thank you, Krista!)

In awe of God's love

So as I am going through this process of figuring out who I am and the legacy I want to pass down to my kids, I'm struck by how self focused I've become. I'm so worried about not liking myself because I am overweight, that I have completely taken God out of my perspective. If I spent half as much time, talking to him about my issues and praying about them, instead of obsessing over them (and then eating all of my worries), I would be a woman with a rock solid relationship with God.

I struggle because I tend to judge how good of a day I had on how I ate. It's sad, isn't it? I don't judge the day by how much time I spend loving my husband or kids or serving my friends and neighbors. I judge it by whether I was healthy or if something upset me and I went crazy with food. Last night we had a birthday celebration for my dad-in-law. It was a great time except my uncle took a picture of me and showed it to me holding my youngest son. I didn't stop and think, "wow, I love how cute my kid looks" or "how nice of my uncle to take the picture"...nope, I was so disgusted by how I looked, that I don't even remember what my son looked like. Yeah, how lousy is that? I was grossed out by how huge my arms looked and I was trying to figure out if I just quit eating, how quickly would I be skinny? Nothing like taking life to the extreme! I can't seem to do anything just part ways. It's either eat everything in sight or don't eat anything at all. So the long and short of it was, I spent the rest of the night eating like a pig because I was so discourage by how I look.

My goal through this journey is to judge the outcome of my day by the quality of my relationships, not by focusing on me. Like last night, being able to celebrate the wonderful people in my life instead of focusing on me. I sound so selfish! I really want to change my heart and be able to focus on others - loving them and building them up instead of worrying about how bad I am.

God love ME!  He wants me to be completely into him. I have been studying Ruth and Boaz, and the wonderful love that they shared. God is the same with me. He wants to give me a good self esteem, he wants me to like myself, but he wants me to FOCUS on him and that will happen. Focusing on myself won't get me there.

The Starting Point

Since I was a little girl, I have struggled with self confidence and self worth. I never felt good enough, pretty enough or accepted. I want that to change! I am 35 years old and I am on a journey to like me and to quit being afraid of what others think of me or whether they like me. I want to like me!

So how do I start? I am blessed to be a part of a women's biblestudy through our church. Recently we started the study, "Falling in love with Jesus". This study has started laying the ground work for this journey and for getting me to take action. Through journaling, reading the Bible and studying this book, I am learning how much Jesus loves me and how important I am to him.

Don't get me wrong, I have always known that Jesus loves us but I always thought that applied to everyone else but me. I know he loves my family and my friends and wants only good things for them but does he feel that way about ME? I can say it in my head but I can't seem to get it through to my heart.

A reason for starting this blog is because I think I'm not alone...I think a lot of us feel this way. We want to be secure in who we are and how special we are but we only seem to view ourselves through the negative lens. I always think "oh if I were skinnier, then I would like me" or "if I was nicer, then I would like me" or "if I was prettier, then people would care about me." The long and short of it is that those things never seem to fix the problem. I want to change my mind set, I want to help others change their mind set and I want to become someone who inspires others to believe in themselves and who they are in God.

I hope you'll join me on this journey. I'm sure I'll need all of the help I can get.