After an outing with a dear friend, I am convinced that I know things in my head I just don't feel them in my heart. I know God loves me. I just can't wrap my brain around that. I think all of my life I have had people that were supposed to love me that have let me down, abused me, degraded me or abandoned me when I needed them the most. I just assume that God will do the same thing. He'll get sick of me and my problems and just wash his hands of me.
When I married Matt 8 years ago, he was the one person that I thought I could count on. I made sure he was safe, reliable and I thought he would protect me, take care of me, and never hurt me intentionally. I think somewhere along the way I forgot that he was human, he makes mistakes and he's going to let me down. When he made his first mistake and broke my heart, I just expected him to continue to do it. He did it twice after that so he proved me right. Somewhere in my head I just think that there is no hope...everyone will always bail on me or hurt me. I'm not worth loving and working through the hard times with. He's worked so hard to change (and I believe he has) but I still question his faithfulness, his committment. I guess I keep thinking that God is going to take the best thing in my life away from me - my family. It's like I expect God to come in and take great joy in hurting me, in crushing my dreams.
I know this is NOT TRUTH! I know this isn't who God is. I'm trying to get that across to my heart.
This week in my study, "Falling in Love with Jesus", I came across several things that struck me.
- Romans 1:18-23 I'm not treating God like he is God. I'm chosing to believe the things of this world, and not believing in who He is and His truth.
- So often I think that if God is really God, he would just fix me. He would stop my eating obsession and just make me okay. I put food as an idol and I expect him to deliver me from it, but I don't do my part.
- God wants what is best for me. He wants me to let go of my idol and worship him. The good gifts he gives us (family, friends, sex, food, careers, etc.) all are meant to be enjoyed, but not worshipped. When I worship them, He will bring pain into my life. Why? Because He loves me!!!! He allows me to feel the painful consequences of my misplaced "worship".
- Luke 14:25-35 I can't be Jesus' disciple if I'm hanging on to worldly things.
- God loves me and I'm the object of HIS affection.
Sometimes I get really angry at what my dad did to me because I feel like it changed how I view people and life. That's not an excuse and I'm not going to allow him to destroy my future. I just need to reprogram my mental thinking. I am worthy of loving, I am important...I think if I say that enough, maybe I'll start believing it :)
I'm so thankful that I am surrounded by a few close friends that will speak "truth" to me when I need to hear it. They have stood by me, loved me and continue to stand there supporting me even when I'm not making much progress. I know this is another form of God showing me his love, showing me that he is providing for me. God has shown me kindness, gentleness, love and grace. Now I need to show myself some love and grace! (Thank you, Krista!)
Krista - God "with skin"! We all need these God messengers and I'm thankful for Krista!
ReplyDeleteOh Lis, again I have tears, I definitely don't see the value in me that you do, which is why I think this "friendship that God has put together" is a win/win.
ReplyDeleteMB-God Bless you (and I miss seeing you)
So I re-read something this weekend...about 3 types of business. God's, Your's, and Mine.
So God's business is any of the wish/should/could in our life. i.e. "I wish it would stop raining" None of My business that is God's business, I just need to get some rain boots and get on with my day. "I should really have a family, the one I envision/hope for." Nope you have everything you need. All of God's things just "ARE". Accept what they are stop trying to change and rearrange and just let God handle his business.
Your business. "Why doesn't DL do what I ask, in a timely manner?" Ohhh, that is me having expectations of others, God isn't keen on this. "You would think my Mom would call or ask if Rece could come see her?" Why would I think this? She doesn't and it is her business NOT mine.
My business...well while I am off in everybody elses business who is taking care of mine? No one that is who.
Not sure how this all ties in, but it struck a cord with me, and wanted to share.
Keep blogging, and being honest, I can't wait to see where all this lands us!