So last week I was boycotting God! Sounds ridiculous, huh? He has been poking me, speaking to me through His word, friends, family and I decided to just quit listening and try things for a bit on my own. I don't think this was a conscience decision but it happened.
I was miserable!
So I was back in my quiet time this am and this is what I stumbled across - boy, is He speaking to me!!!!
I'm in the section of my biblestudy called "Wilderness Love". The basis for it is Song of Songs 2, where the lover is asking his beloved to go higher up the mountain with him but she is content where she is at because she is afraid of what it might involve to "go higher". I know that God has been calling me but I'm scared of the changes that He will ask of me. Do I really like food THAT much that it would break my heart to give it up for God? When you say it like that, it sounds kind of ridiculous! But I know the change will be painful for me. Starting new habits is so hard and my discipline has been a joke.
One of the things that struck me this morning is that when I refuse to respond to God, He is going to find me and "begin to bring pain into your life, for pain is God's megaphone, says C.S. Lewis. He begins gently and if I don't respond, He increases the pressure. Well I've been noticing him talking to me for quite some time and I keep ignoring....I have to believe that is why He has allowed me to be so miserable with myself. He loves me so much and He wants me to be His, without any idols and so He is trying to get my attention through pain.
At this point, I know I need to respond to Him but I lack the confidence in myself. I WANT to serve Him completely and get rid of the hold that Satan has over me with food, but I doubt myself.
So that's when I come back full circle and realize that I can't do it on my own. I need His help and the help of those closest to me. That's why I have drug you guys on this journey with me! :) Because I would be lost without you all.
Maybe a starting point is for you to not look for confidence in yourself since you're so certain you won't find it. It's like opening an empty cupboard ... it's not there. That's sort of where you are. SO .... come to a cupboard that's full .... God has confidence in you more than you can imagine!!! You are his beloved with whom God is well pleased!! And then the cupboards of family and friends that are also full of the knowledge of you and how capable you are. Let us be available to you while you stock your own cupboard one step, one scripture verse, one day at a time.
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