So as I am going through this process of figuring out who I am and the legacy I want to pass down to my kids, I'm struck by how self focused I've become. I'm so worried about not liking myself because I am overweight, that I have completely taken God out of my perspective. If I spent half as much time, talking to him about my issues and praying about them, instead of obsessing over them (and then eating all of my worries), I would be a woman with a rock solid relationship with God.
I struggle because I tend to judge how good of a day I had on how I ate. It's sad, isn't it? I don't judge the day by how much time I spend loving my husband or kids or serving my friends and neighbors. I judge it by whether I was healthy or if something upset me and I went crazy with food. Last night we had a birthday celebration for my dad-in-law. It was a great time except my uncle took a picture of me and showed it to me holding my youngest son. I didn't stop and think, "wow, I love how cute my kid looks" or "how nice of my uncle to take the picture"...nope, I was so disgusted by how I looked, that I don't even remember what my son looked like. Yeah, how lousy is that? I was grossed out by how huge my arms looked and I was trying to figure out if I just quit eating, how quickly would I be skinny? Nothing like taking life to the extreme! I can't seem to do anything just part ways. It's either eat everything in sight or don't eat anything at all. So the long and short of it was, I spent the rest of the night eating like a pig because I was so discourage by how I look.
My goal through this journey is to judge the outcome of my day by the quality of my relationships, not by focusing on me. Like last night, being able to celebrate the wonderful people in my life instead of focusing on me. I sound so selfish! I really want to change my heart and be able to focus on others - loving them and building them up instead of worrying about how bad I am.
God love ME! He wants me to be completely into him. I have been studying Ruth and Boaz, and the wonderful love that they shared. God is the same with me. He wants to give me a good self esteem, he wants me to like myself, but he wants me to FOCUS on him and that will happen. Focusing on myself won't get me there.
Grab a tea, read when you have time to think it all through-and know that it all comes from love.
ReplyDelete1)You are doing a lot of judging of yourself "I struggle because I tend to judge how good of a day I had on how I ate. It's sad, isn't it?" No, it isn't sad, anything in your life you want to change deserves/demands some level of focus so it is PART of your day. It should not define you or your day in total.
2)As for the picture, I think most women (maybe men) will always be their biggest self critic. Very few people will look at a picture in which they are in and say "wow look how adorable I am". Again defining yourself as "lousy" is a bit harsh. I remember once being told "never say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to a loved one". I know you, and never in all the years have I ever heard you talk to anyone else the way you do yourself.
3)"I sound so selfish" again I reiterate, I don't know anyone less selfish than you. And I have really thought this one through. So if you believe nothing else I ever say to you, know that this is a BULLSHIT statement. (sorry for using potty words on your blog).
4)"...worrying about how bad I am"-lay off the labels and the judging.
5)God loves you, I love you, you have a whole slew of people who love, value and adore you.
Your vision of you is whack. XOXO
Been there. Just finished a Skype chat with Lisa Raven and all I could see was my old face in the camera!!! Who is that old woman???? And I'd look away and let it go and when I looked back, she was still there!!!
ReplyDeleteGod is at work in you! Judging or measuring ... either can have pitfalls because we tend to find ourselves wanting. Maybe a moratorium on judging and measuring would be good. Just be present in the moment and fully enjoy it for what it offers you and the others you are with. Lay aside expectations. Know that God is working in and through it all. You said it yourself ... God Loves YOU! And I'd say it's not so much that God wants to give you good self-esteem and to like yourself but that God has already given it and is waiting for you to receive and accept it! Love you darling!!